The junior stewardess took a drink order from a passsenger along the aisle seat and proceeded to walk towards the galley. A sudden pressure on her arm stopped her in her tracks. An Asian man in his late fifties held on to her arm and went,” Miss, order drink? I thirsty.” He made the universal drinking gesture in case she could not understand his halting English.

“Certainly sir, what would you like? ” she asked politely.

The hand showed no intention of releasing its grip on the delicate wrist. She gave an awkward smile while withdrawing her hand. After what seemed like a introduction of half the entire drink menu, the stewardess took her leave gracefully. Not to mention, gratefully.

The look he had been giving her throughout was a tad disturbing. Call it a woman’s instinct, if you will. He didn’t seem interested in getting a drink, more of an extended conversation with the sweet host while his eyes strayed all over her female form.

Leery, if you could put a description to it.

She made a mental note not to engage in any small talk with him after fixing the drink order. “Here’s your chinese tea, Sir. Enjoy your drink.” With that, she swiftly turned to walk away. The paw closed in quicker.

“Miss, hot. Hot. No drink,” the lame liner escaped his mouth.

Oh no you won’t, she thought to herself. The stewardess stared hard at him and pointed to the attendant button,” Sir, if you wish to call me, please press this button. Please do not touch me again!” With that, she left in a huff.

Moments later, the galley steward approached the passenger with a cup of ice cubes. He returned to the galley and exclaimed, “Eh, strange leh. I offered him ice but there he was, happily sipping the tea. Didn’t even bother to look at me at all, let alone hand-measure my wrist. haha.

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Senior stewardesses are known to be gurung back in the late eighties.? They are the equivalent of leading stewardesses now.? My chief was recounting the time when he was a greenhorn himself, working under a buxomly senior.? It was just before the meal service in the Economy Class.? He was loading the hot casseroles into the carts as fast as he could in order to prove his worth.? Alas, his speed was not up to the standard of the senior stewardess, who lost her patience and started on the loading herself.

?It was a mini competition of sorts and he picked up speed, looking over at the girl who was bent over, skirt flipped to the side of her legs, in the thick of action.? Something else caught his attention and he slowed down involuntarily.? The girl?s ample assets were distracting, to say the least.?

He was treated to a delicious view of twin peaks whenever she bent to retrieve the trays.? Sensing the change in momentum, she looked up at the gaping guy, back at her own heaving chest and asked matter-of-factly, ? See what see? Never see tits before is it?!?? And with that, she stood up, unzipped her front and flashed a full five seconds to the shocked steward.?

After that, both continued with the loading as though nothing had transpired.? He never dare look her in the eye again.? Much less, her chest.??

One does not have to be super polite or extremely friendly to be on our list of the ‘perfect passenger’ (PP). Nope, looks don’t count in this category as well, thou I?m sure none of us would mind a little eye candy at work. But seriously, over the years I?ve come across a multitude of nice passengers, each different in their own unique way. The friendly chatty types are easier to spot and categorise under the PP group, while other unnoticeable characters who keep to themselves throughout the flight may surprise you when you least expect it.

I remember a Europe flight where this long-legged gentleman (or not) started shouting at me when i couldn’t find him an alternative (roomier) seat at the emergency exit as it was a full flight. It was chock-a-block! I mean, what was he expecting me to do about that?! Use whatever zero authority i had to force the passengers to give up their choice seats? Or come up with some cock-n-bull sob story about how the gentleman’s legs would swell to the size of pig’s trotters if he doesn’t get the extra legroom?

To tell the truth, everyone knows that those seats are next to second best. The best, of course, would be that of 3-4 empty seats in a stretch where the passenger will eagerly claimed his or her stake by lying horizontally across for the entire flight. Selfish bums, I say…depriving the elderly who needs them more…But that is another story.

So there I was a human verbal punch bag for this fella who felt that the airline was stupid not to cater to passengers with giraffes’ legs. I stood there to allow him a few minutes of steam release, while the entire cabin watched on. Suddenly, a voice shot through the cabin and silenced the man.

?Why don’t you fucking shut up or fly another airline?! This lady here is not here for your fucking rants! “

What do you know… the damsel in distress was rescued by the passenger least expected to do that – a rather hostile-looking middle-aged man who was too preoccupied to even acknowledge my previous greetings and PR attempts during the dinner service.

Passengers often purchase goodies from their trips and expect a chiller space for their items onboard.? As much as we try to accommodate, the sheer size and quantity of such items render it impossible for all to be stowed.? Priority is given to medication that needs to be chilled, not the huge bouquets of exotic flowers or fruit boxes.? Most passengers are understanding enough.??

There was a Chinese lady who handed a box of Begawan Solo kueh to my galley steward for ?safe-keeping? in the chiller.? She was on the way to visit her relatives in Hong Kong and they loved this particular dessert unavailable there.? After the meal service, a stewardess from the other zone cheerily announced that she had bought some yummies from the same shop and that the box was kept in a particular chiller.? We tucked in happily and tossed fat worries a mile away.? Towards the end of the flight, the Chinese passenger asked for her item.?

?Oh shit,? my steward exclaimed. ?Janet, I think I took the wrong box.?

?What do you mean the wrong box?? How many boxes are there in the first place??? I was clueless.? He had not communicated about the passenger?s item.

Same box, totally different contents.? It turned out that he mistakenly took the passenger?s box of kueh and distributed it among us, while the box containing the stewardess?s pandan cake was still chilling nicely in the galley.? What?s consumed cannot be regurgitated.? We immediately apologised to her and offered the replacement.? Thankfully, the lady laughed when we recounted the circumstances that led to the mistake.? We would never have wanted to make the headline news: The Cabin Crew Ate Up All My Kueh!

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Emoticons or smilies. Spotted many of these in the postings. Reminded me of a flight I thought I would not wake away from. It was an international flight from Shanghai to Singapore on a foreign carrier. It was also my first flight on that carrier. Our national airline was fully booked. Sigh.

Was greeted at the door by a pretty, tall and porcelain skin stewardess who led me to my seat. Imageries of a pleasant flight ahead floated through my mind. Snow White to serve me. A smile broke out on my face. But that smile faded the moment I settled down on my seat.

The seat cushion had stained spots. There were cuts in the fabric; through wear and tear in some places and deliberate cuts in others. Was a knife used there? Did a murder occurred at my seat on the way in? Was the plane older than I was in age? I wondered. Not wanting to be ungracious, I kept my thoughts to myself. And mine was a Business Class seat at that.

During the taxi to the runway, I prayed for a safe landing at Changi with all my body parts intact. And the plane did take off successfully but the flight was bumpy throughout. Largely uneventful until mealtime.

The cutlery served had some stains on them. Like some leftover food fused to the metal parts at a molecular level. Hard as I tried, I could not remove all the stains. Sure kenna runs later. But with Snow White serving me, how could I complain?

What about the smilies? Am coming to it.

Went to use the lavatory. Whilst doing my stuff, the plane hit another air pocket. Toilet paper, napkins and other oddments fell out of the cabinet. Gathered whatever I could and pushed everything back in. But somehow the latch did not / could not catch.

That?s when I saw them. Lined along the edges of the cabinet door were rows of smiley stickers. These were the stuff that was used to hold the cabinet door shut! How ingenious! How frightening!

What else is holding the plane is place? More smiley stickers elsewhere? What other compromises were there?

I left the lavatory in a jiff (no pun intended), went back to my seat and fastened my seatbelt tightly (without being told). I must admit I prayed quite a bit the remaining of the flight. That nothing else falls apart at the next air pocket. Perhaps an engine or a wing?

Thank God my prayers were answered and the plane did land smoothly at Changi. At the door, Snow White was still all smiles, thanking the passengers and wishing them a nice day. In return, I thanked her for an unforgettable flight (it certainly was) and pointed to the smiley sticker on my breast pocket. Then off I went down the aerobridge to kiss terra firma.

So that?s how Smiley saved the day.

—written by Patrick, The PacMan

Was on a flight enjoying my usual in-flight programme when it was suddenly turned off. There was an announcement about some technical problem and that the system was no longer available to a certain section of the plane. Mine included. But the problem was, my console was working fine. Ok, things happen. Don’t sweat it. So I flipped on my trusty PSP and continued to occupy myself.

?Its mealtime. The stewardess went thru her normal routine.

She: Sir, we have Fish and Chicken. Which do you prefer?

Me : I’ll like to have Fish.

She : Sorry sir, we are out of Fish.

Me : Duh? But you just asked me to choose Fish or Chicken?!.

She : Sorry sir, we are out of Fish. Would you like to have Chicken instead?

The tray was already half way onto my tray table.

Me : Ok. I’ll have Chicken. (can’t fight the logic). Thanks.

?It was at this moment, the senior steward (the one with the dark blue suit) came along. Not exactly in these words, but close.

He : Ah, I see you have your PSP? Always good to have a backup. There was a problem with the in-flight entertainment system and we couldn’t bring it back up.

Me : But mine was fine until you switched it off.

He : The chicken meal is quite good. Don’t know why most passengers on this flight opted for Fish today.

Me : (cannot tahan already) I am sure the Chicken must be good. Your colleague insisted I have it. Sir, you know if I had not wanted in-flight entertainment, I would have chosen to fly SilkAir. And if I had not wanted any meal onboard, I’ll fly Tiger.?

After that, I was left very much alone. Which was fine with me. Until…?

A burly angmoh guy seating across the aisle made a complaint about the in-flight entertainment system (or lack of). The senior stewardess was called to assist. The conversation went something like this.

She : blah blah blah… Very sorry sir, here’s a cash voucher for your trouble.

He : There’s no need. I just want you to know that you guys should fix these problems. After all, you are a premier airline.

She : Yes I understand. We will get it fixed. But here’s a cash voucher anyway as a token of our apology.?

?I felt very transparent at that point. Sigh.

Written By Patrick, The PacMan

?Most passengers are aware that the main courses catered on every flight are of a limited number.? I mean, there’s no way any airline could and would cater one of each type of main course for every passenger coz it just doesn’t make economic sense to do so.? What would we do with the rest of the 300+ meals languishing in the ovens? Pack them home?!

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If you must know, the good people over at the catering and in-flight service side do their sums well enough to ensure meals on every flight hit the right number.? Their right number that is.? Not the crew’s, neither the passengers’. I don’t blame them.? No one wants perfectly good food to go to waste.

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That said, the crew just have to put their selling skills to the test.? And boy, are we good at that.? Well, to begin with, I think our food taste great for something that’s been cooked, frozen, reheated and consumed 35000 feet up in the air.? It’s somehow defied the numbing effects of taste buds at such a high altitude. Kudos to the culinary panel of A- list chefs!

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Every now and then, we come across passengers who insist on the main course that happens to be popular and depleted. And it’s not due to dietary reasons, mind you. They insist on choice die-die-must-have only because it’s not available and therefore, must be very good, they reason.

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“It?s on the menu and we have the right to choose!”

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Yeah we know ? but it?s all out so could you freaking shut up and eat the other one?!

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In our line of work, every flight is far from being monotonous.? The rare medical emergency, drunken brawl or animated story-teller contributes to making each experience different.?? A cute looking guy to set the heart rate speeding perhaps, an adorable baby to coo over, or a hot chick in the midst to cause a stir( in the pants), the flight attendants are quick to spot these blinking subjects and highlight them for the benefit of their colleagues.

On a particular sector, an extremely angelic-looking Pan Asian baby was onboard with his parents.? Throughout the flight, both strangers and crew would stop in their tracks; dabble in some baby talk with her before leaving their prints on her cheeks.?

?Janet, that baby at 31c is soooooo cute!? Did you see how chubby her cheeks are?? Macham Japanese peaches!? One of the girls was beside herself with maternal excitement, I suspect.? ?The mummy agreed to let me carry her after the meal service.? I?m going to show Bernard later, stir him up a bit.?

Bernard was her husband, working in the Business Class galley.? The two had been married for 5 years but when it comes to procreation, in her words, ?not even an egg.?? She had nagging doubts that Bernard like children in the first place, as he had said nothing when she brought up the subject of ditching birth control, apart from an uncomfortable grunt.? Still, she was hopeful, often trying to change his perspective by pushing the finest infant specimens into his hands.

Cradling her best hope so far, she went to look for Bernard.? He looked interested enough to stroke Baby?s hair.? Encouraged, the stewardess thrust Baby into his arms.? ?Hey, no, no, she?ll wrinkle my shirt,? he protested.

?Won?t la, only for a short while.?

It was a mini Tai Ji between the two when suddenly; Baby chose the perfect moment to express her opinion in the form of a torrent.? A physical stream of undigested baby food went right down his shirt front before she started bawling nonstop.? I think it?ll be quite a while before any egg is laid.

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The grilled chicken main course was fast running out.? The next few passengers were not taking the bait when I peppered the chilli fish with flowery terms.? I looked at the stewardess manning the cart on the other side.? She too, was bombarded with requests for the chicken.? A few rows later, I heard a soft call, ?Janet, Janet, do you have any more chicken left???

I mouthed a silent ?no? before turning back to see if anyone from the galley could come to the rescue.? No one in sight except for two carts full of chilli fish and rows upon rows of hungry passengers.? Passengers who hates chilli, I suspect. ?

There was only one quick way to sound the s.o.s- I pressed the call button and true enough, our popped my steward?s head from the galley.? Again I mouthed the word, but the distant between us could have blurred his vision.? He had a big question mark all over his face.? Slightly exasperated,? the stewardess across the aisle started to flap her bent elbows up and down while forming an exaggerated version of the word ? chicken? with her lips.

The surrounding audience to this animated display started to snigger in spite of them.? I? quickly caught her eye, signaled a ?no-no? before she dares attempt another game of charade with the clueless steward. ???

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It was an action packed flight from London.? After the last passenger had disembarked, we ploughed through the rows of seats in disarray.? Crumbs, snack wrappers and the odd toiletry items littered the ground.? Someone had left a UK tabloid magazine on the seat for the next interested party.? I picked it up and trumpeted,? Hello! Magazine, who wants??? I tossed to the first person who came forward and continued on the treasure hunt.?

It is impossible to leave every seat unturned, given the time constraint.? We do our best to sift through the seat pockets, pillows and blankets for alien left-behinds.? As I lifted up a stray pillow, a black wallet laid nestled between two seats.? A quick flip and glance into the Hugo Boss wallet revealed notes, lots of notes.? I dug for an identification card or driving license.? Oh, it?s a careless young gentleman residing in the west.? I need a name card; I need a contact number of some form.? Luckily, I sighted and fished out his card from among the multitude of credit cards and called him on the cell phone without delay.

A male voice at the end of the line answered.? He had no inkling that his cab fare home was in my hands.? We arranged to meet at the baggage carousel.? I rushed through the after- landing duties and left the aircraft hastily.? He was waiting at a corner, taking impatient glances at his watch.? ?Oh, I thought you were not coming,? was all he said when I handed him the wallet.

?Thank you for waiting, Mr. XX,? my job hazard at play.? A split second later, I was slightly ruffled.? Hey, i don?t need you to grovel at my feet but shouldn?t you at least give a word of thanks when I chose not to run away with your Hugo Boss?!??? ??

In any case, I had done my part and answered to my conscience.? With that thought, I hopped onto the waiting cab and deleted the number from my dialing list. ????